I can't breathe out the right side of my face
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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