did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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