he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
