somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
