I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
