There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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