I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
