I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
