if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
