theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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