I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
