It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
