I could make wine with my vomit
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
