Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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