youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
