Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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