I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
