Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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