Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
