PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The power of my boobs compel you
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
