OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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