I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
