Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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