i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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