That's when you crack a 10am beer
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
