I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
