I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
