So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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