Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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