no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
