he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Holy shit dude........stairs
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
