do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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