yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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