Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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