I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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