I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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