god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
