I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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