true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The uberlube is also flammable
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
