I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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