i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
