I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
