how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
