I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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