i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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