just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
