My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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