Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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