If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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