if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
