this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
