wrigley field is MILF paradise
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
