i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
