her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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