I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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