I got chris browned last night
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
