shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize