hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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