Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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