Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
